I'd rather hurt looking for the good, than be like the rest of the world

she's beautiful, but she'll

never admit it. music makes

her world go round, literally.

pearls and jeans are her trademarks.

she's afraid of being alone

and obsessed with coffee.

when she smiles her whole

face lights up. and her heart's

been broken by a guy

who doesn't love her anymore

and you know what?

she doesn't care.

I can't sleep. My wheels just won't stop turning. Every time I close my eyes I see it. The confirmation I secretly didn't need. It hurts, but I'm not surprised. As I sit here I wonder, why do I still care? Why do I still want the best for someone who could hurt me so badly? I know it is simply because that is who I am. I see the world in "rose-colored glasses" my mother always tells me. I look too hard for the good in people. I think that is why I always end up getting hurt. The thing is though, I don't want to change. I'd rather hurt looking for the good, than be like the rest of the world.

I know I will make it through this. Yes, it will take time; that is no newsflash. But this is by far not the worse thing that has happened to me in my lifetime.

I am an amazingly strong, independent woman (to make it through I have to tell myself this on the daily).

live, laugh, love

-- peace --

I got in!

Today I received the great email. "You have met the minimum requirements for Ball State Grad School." Minimum requirements... don't you think they could make that sound a little better. It kind of sounds like I barely made it by. I mean I can't complain. I'm really excited that I've made it through Step 1 of this process. Now all I have to do is get into my program. Right now I should be writing my Statement of Purpose of why I want to go to BSU, but I just don't know what to write. I mean I'm applying to the Department of Journalism, so that means the 500-1,000 words of why I chose Ball State has to be perfect. I'm trying not to stress myself out over this. It's going to be great.

On a completely different note, 94 days til graduation. Which will hopefully be a success cause I have a lot to do still before May 9. If though, Mother Nature doesn't cooperate, then I feel like I will never get out of here. This is the second snow day we have had in a week. Snow days are great don't get me wrong, but they really are starting to interfere with my internship. I can't mess this up cause then I wont graduate. I wish I had a roommate on days like today, or a boyfriend.

Speaking of boyfriends.... Rufus came back to the picture. I finally heard from him on Sunday during the Superbowl. "Hey gorgeous" he text. Me being the bitch I am, was not all that nice to him. Some of you prolly are giving me props for that... you might want to wait before praising me too much. The bitch-ness did not last. He still knows the right things to say. I can't let him go just yet.

Currently, I am making a pizza. Look at me and my productivity. I should go check on Patches (my car) since he had to be parked far from my house due to Mother Nature, but now it's dark and I know he's still at the church so I hope he is safe.

But the pizza is almost ready, and I need to get back to reality, so I bid y'all an adieu.

live, laugh, love

-- peace --

I hate the army...

So... I don't even know where to begin right now. A lot has happened recently therefore I feel that it is only fitting that I try and sort my emotions out.

I. The Boy - Rufus*
There's this guy... (we all know where this is going). Well, its not just any boy, its a high school crush. You would think that that would be my first clue to stay away. Any guy who chooses your best friend over you then cheats on her with you, prolly isn't going to be the best guy to get involved with no matter what year it is now. Anyway, we started talking over Christmas break and he asked me over every single night he was on leave. Let me back up... He's in the army, hince the title of this blog. I never went to see him over break cause I was scared of what could happen. I knew that he was in the army and I didn't know if I would be able to handle that. I didn't want to get involved and then him just leave and not know when I would see him again, so I thought if I didn't go see him he would return to where ever and I wouldn't hear from him again. I was wrong.

He went back to Missouri and we kept talking. Our conversations were great - like the "honeymoon phase." He would tell me sweet dreams and tell me I'm gorgeous before he fell asleep every night. It was almost the ideal relationship, except for the fact that we were over 500 miles away. Then there was a few days that I didn't hear from him. I figured he got sick of me and was just too lame to tell me. Then the typical text came - "Hey what's up?" The whole barrack had lost their phones. Things went back to normal and we went on with our "long distance relationship". Rufus always said the right things. He said he wasn't talking to anyone else and considered us dating, but he didn't want to hold me back. "You're in college," he said. "You are surrounded by guys. You're gorgeous. So why do you wanna be with a guy who can't be there with you always?" - Seemed like the perfect excuse. He didn't wanna hold me back my ass. Then the text came... "I lied..."

He's still in love with his ex-fiance - Bertha*, which I didn't even know he was engaged before until just days before this great text came. He loves her and that's never going to change. She was the reason he chose the most dangerous job in the Army, so he can be halfway around the world getting shot at in hopes to make himself feel better. What do you say to that? How do you respond? Then came this text - "Nothing's changed between us though..." Bullshit nothings changed. First I find out that you had a fiance... no not just a fiance, but that best friend you chose over me.. she was your fiance. Then just days later I find out that you still love her. How am I suppose to compete with that? I don't want to be "the other girl." I've already been that with you before. I want you to forget about her and be with me. But no you love her.

I go on with the "nothing has changed between us" though I knew it had. It didn't feel right. I felt like the other girl. He swore to me that no matter what he wouldn't go back to her. That even if she came to him begging to take her back he wouldn't. I don't believe it, but I tried. We continued to talk, and I tried my hardest to show him that he didn't need Bertha. That he was capable of falling in love again with someone else. But I can't anymore. I can't be his savior. I'm not a strong enough person to deal with it all.

I haven't talked to Rufus in days now. He stopped texting me. At first, I assumed that his phone was taken away again, or that he was on one of his "secret army missions," but I'm coming to terms with the fact that hes just an asshole.

The reason I was holding onto Rufus for so long was that it gave me a sense of belonging. I felt that he truly wanted me. I felt needed. I felt like for the first time in a long time that a guy actually wanted to be with me. In reality, he just wanted a piece of ass. He knew that if said the right things to me for the next three months, when he got leave, he was guaranteed ass. He has no friends back home, another reason he joined the army. He lost them all when Bertha threw the ring at him. He thought by "buttering me up" he would be golden.

I don't think I can do it anymore. Even if all my theories are wrong, I don't know if I am a strong enough person to deal with an army relationship. I don't have any trust, not only when it comes to guys, but people in general. I want to believe that all my theories are incorrect, but where is he? Where is Rufus?

*Names have been changed.

II. The new neighbors
So my old neighbors lease was up in December. I never thought I'd miss them... til my new neighbors moved in... They have taken over the complex. I have had to ask them twice so far if they would move their car out of my driveway, so they leave their flat bed trailer in my driveway practically blocking me in. And now they are parked in my other spot. I started of nice, but now it's war.

I currently have three different ideas about what to do about the idiot neighbors and their vehicles.
1. Write a letter and put it on their car asking them again to not park in my spots.
2. Have them towed, but I don't know if the towing people would tow them.
3. Once my car unthaws, parking it to completely block their asses in.

My theory is if I lived in the "burbs," people wouldn't park in my driveway, so what gives them the right to park in it here?

III. The place I live
I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would have as many problems with my house as I do. I woke up like four days in a row with no water. Then had to fight with the "stand-in landlord" to get the problem fixed. Yes, my landlord decided to go south for winter - I guess he's a bird or something.

Then came the Internet. Stupid stand-in landlords decided to burn the Internet cable when they were trying to thaw out my pipes, giving dumb and dumber - the Internet installers - a harder time trying to get me Internet. What was worse was the fact when my dear friends Dumb and Dumber were installing my Internet, they thought it would be a good idea to leave the door standing open so that pooch could almost get out and runaway. All I want is for there to be a lil intelligence when people come into my house.

To top it all off, since I live in Sketchville, USA, I have to sign for packages, making me miss work and wait from 2-7 for a package.



We will leave it to my top three rants of the night. So with that, I bid y'all adieu.

live, laugh, love

-- peace --

shower and an anxiety attack

The week before finals... a week that everyone here at Morehead loves. To MSU, there is no such things as "dead week." I have so many projects due and so much to do, that I don't even know where to begin. I am trying to prioritize and work diligently, but I just don't even know where are how to start tackling everything.

I think I am going to hire someone to clean my house, and someone else to do all my work... not sure how I am going to pay them, but I think it sounds like a good plan. Currently I am watching Sex and the City... I know a real productive use of my time. I'm ready for Christmas break. Ya know... I don't really understand the point of Thanksgiving break... its just a tease. You get nice and cozy away from school only to be launched back into the two hardest weeks of the semester, and its not like you actually do all the homework you are assigned over the supposed break, because the point of a break is to have a break. I mean don't call it Thanksgiving BREAK if you are going to assign more homework than you have the whole rest of the semester.

Speaking of tease... I am soooo sick of being called a tease. I'm not, I don't lead boys on I don't have time to guys, so how the hell can I be a tease?

I want a new nose ring. I think I want a hoop. I don't know I'm very random tonight. My brain is so scattered right now. I need something to force it to focus, to force it to help me get everything accomplished.

I need to shower. I need to do more homework. I need a stiff drink. I need sleep. But for now I say adieu.

live, laugh, love

-- peace --

when you wish upon a star...

So tomorrow is the big day for our new girls. Initiation bright and early... 5 a.m. early. I am really excited for our new babies to be able to be apart of such a strong sisterhood, and more importantly something that means so much to me.

In a complete different aspect of my life, the stress level still hasn't gone down. I feel like I have so much to do but I am being torn in so many directions, and I just don't know how to prioritize. I quit one of my two jobs yesterday in hopes to give me a little bit more time to focus on school. Unfortunately, the job I quit was the job where I only worked four hours a week so it isn't even like it was much time taken out of my schedule, but I just couldn't do it anymore.

I had an epiphany last night (I think I have this epiphany like twice a month, but hopefully it sticks this time). I am sick of pleasing everyone but myself. I'm sick of being held to such high standards that are completely impossible for me to fill. It is time I start worrying about me, and not so much what others think of me or what others want from me. I am one person and only one person, I can't do it all, and I can't be there for everyone. I think its the sense of feeling needed. I like to feel needed just like everyone else does, but sometimes that needing to be needed gets in the way of my needs.

I have no money right now which is always a stress in my life. I'm not sure how I am going to pay next months rent, I really need a roommate. It would be great to have someone share all my expenses with me.

Unfortunately, I have to cut this short. I have to be up in five hours to initiate 19 fantastic, beautiful new babies. So goodnight to all, and be on the lookout for shooting stars. There have been a lot lately.

live, laugh, love

-- peace --

coffee, cookie, and an exercise bike

Procrastination transitive verb : to put off intentionally and habitually intransitive verb : to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done.

Currently that is what I am doing. I have so much that I should be doing, but instead I am finding anything and everything to prevent me from doing such.

This week is Initiation week, and I have never been so proud to be a Gamma Phi as I am this week. We have the most amazing babies that on Saturday will get to know all of our secrets, and I will truly be able to call them my sisters. The point of Lifetime Commitment Week is to be a time to reflect on why you chose Gamma Phi Beta, and that is something that I really have been thinking about this week. I love Gamma Phi with all my heart, and I could not imagine my life without it. I am really worried what I am going to do once graduation happens and I can't be with my sisters whenever I want.

I am focusing a lot of my time on school right now in addition to Gamma Phi. As of now, I will be graduating in May, which is a very scary thought. I am not sure what is going to happen to me upon graduation. I was looking at grad schools today, instead of doing homework of course, and I have a vague idea of where I want to go. I am considering Ball State. I've been told they have a good Sports Publicity program which ultimately is what I want to do with my life.

I don't really know though what is going to happen to me after graduation. It is a scary thought. I am 22 years old, and have no idea where my life is headed. I know that I am still young, but it is a scary thought knowing that in a matter of months, my time at Morehead is over. It's just weird, I have met my best friends while here, and had some of the best and worst times of my life. I love Morehead, but I think my time here has just expired.

I could probably go on, but I guess I should start studying so that I can graduate. More to come later...

live, laugh, love

-- peace --